I'm a What?
by Spartan Inquisitor
Summary: We all know that Church was alone for over a year during the time between Season 5 and Reconstruction, but what if he wasn't completely alone? What if he had some not quite human company that noticed some...inconsistencies with the former leader of Bloodgulch outpost Alpha.


**This is a story that I have had in my head and on my lap-top for a while now. This is basically what happens between Season 5 and Reconstruction.**

 **Halo belongs to 343 Industries and Red vs. Blue belongs to Rooster Teeth.**

* * *

Church sighed loudly for what was most likely the millionth time. Six months. Six months since he had been transferred from Bloodgulch to his new outpost. And in those six months not one other soldier, Red or Blue, had shown up. At first, he had enjoyed the complete absence of idiots, but after the first month he began to get stir crazy.

He had tried to pass the time in as many ways as he could think of. First he had practiced his aim with a sniper rifle. It wasn't as if he needed to practice, but now that Caboose was not there to "mess" with his rifle, he would not have to worry that the scope "had been messed with." After several miserable failures, the cobalt soldier decided to learn every last aspect of the SRS99C sniper rifle. By the end of the third month, he knew the weapon inside and out and could hit a target with near perfect accuracy. He then spent another month and a half doing the same with the other weapons in the base's armory.

When he had finished that he spent the rest of his time browsing with the base computer. Currently he was looking at an article on AI rampancy. Earlier that day, he had been reminiscing about the day Tex had left Bloodgulch. During this he remembered that when O'Malley had jumped into him, there was absolutely no effect to the blue 'leader' whatsoever. For hours Church had looked through article after article trying to find a similar occurrence.

To his surprise, it seemed that O'Malley was able to do something that no other known AI could accomplish. After an hour of searching, Church stumbled upon one particular article that had led him to his current subject of interest. The article had made a brief mention of Smart AIs being able to do strange things during rampancy. However, there was still no mention of possession by an AI anywhere in the article he was now reading.

Sighing again, Church leaned back and stretched his back, the whining of servos barely reaching his "ears." While his body was not flesh and blood, Church did on occasion perform the odd movement to pretend just for a moment that he was still alive.

Suddenly, the computer screen and all of the lights in the room went off.

"Fuck!" Church cursed under his breath.

Turning to a nearby pedestal the cobalt trooper said "Hey, Donald. What the fuck happened to all the lights."

The pedestal flickered to life and the gray holographic figure of a man in a striped suit carrying a briefcase appeared.(1) This was Donald, the dumb AI that had been present within the base. He was the one that ran most of the equipment in the base. While Church had asked why this particular base needed an AI, the construct had never given him an answer.

"How may I be of assistance Private Church?" the tiny, gray man asked in a monotone, if not slightly disturbing, voice.

Church pointed to the ceiling and asked "What the hell happened to the lights?"

After a second, Donald replied with "It appears that the base as lost most of its power."

"Well then fix it." The irate Blue stated.

Donald 'adjusted his tie and said "I'm afraid that I cannot do that."

"Why not, you creepy little bastard?" Church asked through gritted teeth.

"Harsh language aside, the problem is not within my ability to fix."

If he still had a living body, Church was sure that a vein would have started to appear on his forehead.

"Again, why not?"

"The problem is a physical one."

Church swore for several seconds before composing himself. He then asked "Alright where is the problem?"

Donald 'blinked' and said "If you are planning on fixing the problem yourself, I strongly advise against it. The problem is that the reactor has suffered unforeseen damage and as a failsafe the connection has been severed. The only way to reach it is by entering the reactor room. Even with your armor on, you will suffer the effects of radiation poisoning long before you fix the connection."

There was a pause before Church said "Is that all? I thought that there would be something like exploding pipes or falling concrete. If that's the only thing wrong then let's get this over with."

The base's AI stared at the Blue soldier for several seconds before saying "While I am not overly familiar with sarcasm, you seem to not be using it. Am I to assume that you are not worried about radiation poisoning?"

"Let's just say that I'm not a normal soldier."

"Understatement of the decade." Donald muttered.

"What was that you useless cluster of data?!"

"Nothing, Private. Just a few subroutines malfunctioning." The AI said evasively.

"Riiiigggght." Church glared at the AI for several second before shrugging it off and standing up. He then proceeded to the bases generator room. Upon entering the room, his bodies Geiger counter spiked loudly, telling him of the deadly levels of radiation within the room. Without even moving his body, Church deactivated the device.

The cobalt soldier stopped after he did this. Ever since he had first entered the robotic body he currently occupied, he had barely had to do anything to work it. When he had possessed people back in Bloodgulch it had been hard to maintain control for long periods of time. Even when he had inhabited Lopez, Church had trouble working the various functions of the robot as its programing had constantly hampered his efforts. This was the first time he had ever really noticed the difference. He immediately pushed those thoughts aside as he focused on the generator. The main control panel was ablaze with lights which were most likely stating the obvious fact that the generator was damaged.

Church scanned the generator, looking for the problem so that he could attempt to fix it. After a moment he found what he was looking for. The problem seemed simple enough; a crack ran up the side of generator to where a power cable was connected, allowing radiation to spill out. Church immediately looked around for a way to close the breach. Nearby, a canister of sealing foam sat against the wall. Snatching it up, he applied the foam to breach. Stepping back to admire his handiwork, the cobalt trooper tossed the canister aside.

Donald then opened a com-line with Church and said "I am actually surprised that you actually survived this long. However, I believe something is wrong with your armor. This actually something that has been bothering me for some time."

"How long exactly?"

"I have been aware of this problem ever since you arrived at this outpost." The AI showed absolutely no emotion as he said this.

"Really? If you've known about this for that long, why you only now alerting me to it!" Church could not have hated Donald any more than he did at that moment.

"I will confess that I was rather curious at the time. However, I did not mention it at the time because I assumed that it was a minor malfunction. After that I assumed you would eventually fix the problem and put it to the back of my mind. Now though, I cannot help but wonder what is wrong. When we first met I could not access your vitals. Even now, I am getting nothing. No pulse, no neural activity, nothing. Also your armor should have sent out a distress beacon by now, what with all the lethal radiation that you have absorbed. Now if you have something that you have been keeping from me concerning this you don't have to tell me, but I feel that if we are going to continue working together I believe it would be best if I knew what was going on."

Silence hung upon the air for several moments as Church processed this. He was actually a little surprised at the answer he received. When he had first arrived six months ago, he had expected the AI to ask why he was a robot. Eventually, like Donald, he had forgotten about it. The blue shrugged his shoulders and said "Alright, give me some time to use the rad rinse and then I'll try to explain."

* * *

 **Well, there's the first Chapter of I'm a What!?.**

 **(1) basically he looks like the G-man from Half-life.**

 **Oh, and before every body starts bitching about why Church is planning on using a radiation shower. You what to tell them buddy.**

 **Church:** Yeah, it's because I fucking feel like it, you panty wearing assholes!


End file.
